This Is Hard To Write About

This is hard to write about.

I guess a part of me is afraid it will bring back the emotions in their full intensity.

I do not want to go through that again.

I would never wish that on anyone.

It is around 3:00 AM and I am laying in my bed.  It is still dark outside. Thank goodness. I have more time. I am fine.  Just a little nervous.  I am in control.  Maybe, just maybe it won’t happen again.

My cat is laying at the foot of my bed.  I can hear her purring.  Everything is fine.  I can get some more sleep.  But if I sleep it will come sooner.  But I have to sleep.

I do sleep.

It is a little after 5:00 AM.  I open my eyes and can see the first rays of the day’s sun starting to spill through the window.  I can hear the morning birds chirping.

Oh no I think. It’s time again.  I can’t do this again.

I tell myself to be calm.  Stay calm.  There is nothing to worry about.  It’s not happening yet.

Concentrate on your breathing.  Just breathe slowly in and slowly out.  Long deep breaths in through your nose.  Hold it.  Release out through your mouth.  Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Okay I still feel a little calm. Maybe I can fall back asleep and get another hour or so rest.

I roll over on my side.  Still aware of my breathing.

A few minutes pass.  And then…

It’s back!

I can feel it again.  It’s not that strong yet.  But I can feel it.

No please I can’t do this again. Breathe slowly.

I try but my breathing becomes very quick and shallow.

Now I can feel it getting stronger.  It is growing in me.  No!  Please No!  Stop!

I begin to sweat.  My heart is now racing.  Soon my hair is soaked.

Not again!  Not again!  Not again!

I am in a state of sheer terror.  Something really bad is going to happen.  But I don’t know what it is.

My body hurts.  I can’t think.  I am trembling.  I can’t breathe.

This can’t go on.

Am I losing my mind?

I can’t see right.  Something is wrong with my sight.  Am I going blind?  I don’t want to be blind.  Please don’t let me go blind.

Am I dying?

Perhaps that would be best.  This can’t go on.  I can’t live like this.

No!  Never think like that!  You will live even if you have to spend the rest of your life like this.

But what do I do?

I don’t know what to do.

I find myself in a fetal position in the corner of my bed crying.  I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to do.  Repeating over and over, I don’t know what to do.

I have to face the day and I can’t.  I can’t go through another day like I did yesterday.  It is sheer terror.  But if I stay in bed it is sheer terror too.

I feel like I’m going to throw up.

There is no escape.

What is going to happen?  It’s not going to be good.  It is going to be really bad.  My life as I have known it is over.

It is going to be terrible.  Just let it happen.  Just get it over with.

No don’t let it happen.  I won’t be able to handle it.

I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what to do.

Somebody please help me.  Please.  I need help.

Nothing is helping.  No one is helping.

There is nothing anyone can do to help me.

The feeling  starts to subside.  I can feel myself breathing a little better.  I can feel myself gaining a little more control.

The fear is still there.  I can still feel the nervousness in every cell in my body. I still didn’t know why.  But at least I don’t feel like I am losing my mind or about to die.

At least enjoy the little tiny release you have been given while it lasts.

I get up and walk into the kitchen and get a glass of water.  My hair is still soaked with sweat.

I sit down at the kitchen table and take a few sips of the water.  It tastes good.  My breathing is still very shallow.  I lower my head and rest it in my arms on the table.  I am tired.  Very tired.  But oh so nervous and afraid.  Rest is impossible.

And then…

Oh no! No!

It’s building again.

My breathing and heart are racing again.

It’s getting stronger again.  It is growing in me again.  No!  Please No!  Stop!

I am sweating again.

Not again!  Not again!  Not again!



And that is what I had to endure over and over again every day for about six months.

But here is the thing.  And this may sound utterly crazy but I am glad I went through it.

Getting through that lowest point in my life gave me a peace of mind I never knew existed.

Making it through that let me know there was nothing I couldn’t handle.

Many of the next posts will talk about how I overcame my anxiety and the lessons it taught me.